Project Humanity – What on earth were we thinking???

In a remote corner of the galaxy, far from intergalactic trade routes and tourist attractions, the Intellorion-9 research vessel hovered in orbit of a blue planet: Earth. Inside sat Blorg and Zorb, two highly intelligent aliens with oversized heads and a multitude of tentacles to help them multitask.

"Zorb," Blorg began, rubbing a tentacle against his forehead, "please explain to me again why we came up with the brilliant idea of turning these hairy primates into an intelligent species a few thousand years ago?" He pointed to the screen, where a human was attempting to artfully peel a banana with a laser cannon. "I mean, what were we thinking?"

Zorb sipped his intergalactic coffee and sighed deeply. "Remember? Back then, we thought it was a brilliant experiment. 'Let's create beings that can think, dream, and accomplish great things,' you said. And I, the idiot I am, went along with it. And now... they have reality shows."

Blorg switched to another channel with a tentacle. There, a group of people protested with serious expressions. The signs bore slogans like: "Say no to round cucumbers!" and "Stop the dictatorship of the edgy!" Blorg stared at the image in disbelief. "They're protesting against... vegetables."

"Oh, that's harmless," Zorb muttered, tapping a few buttons on the console. "Here, look at this."

An archive of the development phases of humanity appeared on the screen:

Phase 1: Primitive gatherers and hunters – Status: Promising

• Comment: “You show curiosity and ability to learn, use tools and work in a team.”

Phase 2: Beginning of Civilization – Status: Impressive

• Comment: “They develop languages, build cities, and show the first beginnings of art and philosophy.”

Phase 3: Invention of Bureaucracy – Status: Worrying

• Comment: “They begin to invent rules and endless paperwork that is of no use to them.”

Phase 4: Industrial Revolution – Status: Critical

• Comment: “They invent machines to make work easier, but instead of using the time they gain, they create new problems for themselves.”

Phase 5: Modern Society – Status: Catastrophe

• Comment: “They spend most of their time in offices, doing things they hate and arguing about trivial things like pineapple on pizza.”

  
  

Zorb dropped a tentacle onto the console in frustration. "The worst part is, they don't even realize how crazy this all is. They've developed incredible technology, but they're using it for cat videos and global debates about whether voice messages can be longer than a minute."

Blorg sighed deeply. "Maybe we should have just used the dolphins back then." Zorb looked up in surprise. "That's right, the dolphins! Remember how peaceful and intelligent they were?" He clicked on an old video showing a group of dolphins happily playing with bubble rings. "We could have saved ourselves so much trouble. Dolphins would never have started hating cucumbers or inventing plastic waste."

Blorg nodded slowly. "Instead, we were blinded by the primates because they had thumbs. 'Thumbs are handy,' you said back then." He shook his head. "Do you know what they did with their thumbs? Atomic bombs and selfie sticks."

Zorb thought for a while, sipping his coffee. "It's not too late, Blorg. Maybe we can abandon humanity and foster dolphins. Give them a few extra genes, make them amphibious—pretty much, we have a new intelligent species."

Blorg thought for a moment, then leaned back with a sigh. "Too much effort. Let's just fly home and pretend none of this ever happened."

Zorb grinned. "And if anyone asks who created humans, we'll just say, 'I don't know. Maybe a cosmic accident.'" He activated the spaceship's engines while Blorg took one last look at Earth.

A news ticker was running on the screen: “Billionaire plans to colonize Mars with plastic tents – now with 20% more motivational training!” Next to it, a live broadcast showed a “wall-staring” competition, in which the winner won $500 and a voucher for a fast-food chain.

Blorg sighed. "You know, the irony is: they could be happy. They have the ability to be. But instead... well, you see it for yourself."

Zorb twitched his tentacles. "Maybe that's exactly why they're so entertaining. I kind of admire their ability to do completely pointless things with such seriousness."

Blorg chuckled. "Maybe we did something right after all. They may be crazy, but they're never boring."

Dolphin potential

As the spaceship disappeared into space, a group of dolphins appeared in the ocean below. They were still happily playing with bubble rings, completely unfazed by the human problems. One of them blew a giant bubble that shimmered in the sunlight, perhaps secretly thinking to himself: If we ever get the chance, we could do better.

Moral of the story: Sometimes you think you're doing something brilliant, only to look back and realize you should have been fostering dolphins instead.